By Vasilika Vanya Marinkovic/Secret World Entertainment ©

A two-dog team, Pooper and Horatio rate movies, kind of like Roepert and Ebert.

Even though the dogs can speak, they resort to barking/howling as their rating system; Four barks for great movies, three for pretty good, two barks for fair/not-so good and pathetic whining and ever remorseful howling for lousy films. 

When the movie actually falls below one, what they call the zero zone, Pooper (hence his name), will take a dump right in front of the movie screen, while Horatio bitches and moans and whines.

INT. SMALL MOVIE THEATRE

HORATIO

Hi all, thank you for joining us for Pooper and Horatio do the movies. (Pooper barks twice.) Today we will be showing you a clip of “Purse of pearls” and then Pooper and I will recant our experience with the film. Here we go.

Purse of Pearls

Outside a lovely beach house, a woman that looks like Sandra Bullock, CLAIRE, glues pearls to a black shiny purse. She smiles and closes her eyes reminiscing.

At an elegant restaurant, a very handsome man opens a box for her and pulls out a sparkling pearl necklace. He gets up and puts it around her neck.

They are now at the wedding altar and she is wearing the pearl necklace around her neck. It fits nicely, as her gown has pearl designs within it.

Later, as she dances with her groom, her mom, JASMINE, gets toasted while she enjoys gossiping with an old man and long-time friend of the family, GEOERGE, whose practically a father figure, since Claire’s dad passed away when she was young due to some illness.

JASMINE

Oh, this is HIGH time’s for her, after all that she’s been through with that no good piece of shit! Hugh, thank God it’s over and it’s about DAMN time! I was beginning to worry and FRANKLY, I was embarrassed!

George ignores the comment, watching the dancing bride and BRADFORD, tears of happiness in his eyes. Then he reminisces back to memories of her difficulties.

INT. GEORGE’S HOME-ONE YEAR AGO

George reads a newspaper and sips coffee, as he tries to ignore a feud next door. Bradford, the young man he is acquainted with, services his computer, shaking his head, from hearing the brawl. George sets his paper down and goes to the kitchen window, where he can clearly see the feuding couple.

SAM

Two fricken hours? Who needs two fricken hours to grocery shop? What else were you doing?

CLAIRE

That’s all, I swear, with parking and everything-

SAM

EVERYTHING-What’s everything? You tell me about this everything? Tell me NOW!

INT. GEORGES HOME

George begins pacing, hands balled up into fists.

BRADFORD

No, you never get involved in these things. They always turn out bad.

GEORGE

But-

BRADFORD

It’s a no win situation.

INT. CLAIRES HOME

Claire and Sam continue screaming at one another, with Claire suddenly getting smacked across her face. Then the doorbell chimes.

SAM

Don’t you dare open that door!

The bell chimes again. And Claire, who holds her face, slowly heads for the door.

SAM

Oh no, you’re gonna get it later, lady!

Sam takes a swig of whisky, straight from the bottle and stomps off down a set of stairs.

Claire opens the door and bursts into tears, as George, holds her fore arms, trying to plead with her. Several feet back, a reluctant Bradford stands, arms on hips. Then his eyes catch Claire’s and there is a connection, in spite of the bad situation.

INT. GROCERY STORE

Claire is at the grocery store, picking out asparagus, when she spots Bradford nearby, with his own cart.

BRADFORD

Hi…how are you?

CLAIRE

Oh, just fine I suppose.

BRADFORD

Well that’s a nice little thing you got there.

Claire looks down at her black purse, which has swung very close to her rear end. Her face becomes crimson. And Bradford grows embarrassed as well.

The two suddenly go into an embrace, kissing passionately. Then, they maneuver themselves into the grocery store cooler.

INT. CLAIRES HOME-TWO HOURS LATER

SAM

Where the Sam hell you been at?

The man smacks her upside the head. Suddenly, Bradford and George storm in, with the old man aiming a shot gun at Sam. Bradford steps in to choke hold Sam, then shoves him into the floor. George aims the shot gun for the man’s head.

GEORGE

You have ten minutes to get your stinking stuff out of the house, boy. We’ll be waiting. Ten minutes is all, do you hear?

He then fires the gun into the ceiling, knocking a small chandelier down, which nearly misses Sam’s head. In fear, the man crawls toward the down stairs.

Claire cries in happiness and collapses in Bradford’s arms.

Then the scene pans forward to their wedding night. Bradford carries her into the home.

A matter of a few months later, Claire goes shopping. She carries her black purse. She then grabs at her neck, realizing she doesn’t have her pearl necklace on.

CLAIRE

Oh.

EXT. CLAIRE AND BRADFORDS HOME

Sam pours gasoline all over the place. Inside, Bradford is preparing dinner.

INT. GEORGES HOME

George watches a football the game.

INT. GROCERY STORE

Claire picks up some asparagus and a glow goes through her eyes. She then puts the asparagus into her shopping cart and rushes to the check out line excitedly.

INT. CLAIRE AND BRADFORDS HOME

Bradford screams, as the house burns down.

EXT.

George dashes out of his home, terror stricken eyes, as the flames are so overwhelming, it is pointless to attempt a rescue. He then spies Sam hiding, behind bushes.

Claire drives home, but has to slow down for fire trucks.

George bursts back outside his home, holding his shot- gun and nails Sam, in the shoulder. Cops storming the scene, make George, who wants to now go for the kill, put the shotgun down.

Claire arrives and screams and cries.

Later, in the wreckage, she finds the pearls of her favorite necklace disbursed throughout the floor of what used to be the bedroom. She holds the pieces close to her heart.

EXT. BEACH HOUSE

Outside the beach house, she glues the pearls onto her black purse, with a melancholy smile.

The credits roll with dramatic music.

Pooper howls pathetically.

HORATIO

Oh brother, are we laying a turd tonight or what? No, no, no, not yet Pooper! Was there anything salvageable about this picture, this chick flick, uh s*#$t flick?

POOPER

Uh, was there anything salvageable in the gas chambers, from the death camps, after gassing a few hundred people?

HORATIO

Oh Pooper, that is an absolutely horrible comparison.

POOPER

All I know is that my head is spinning and that I may need to seek therapy after viewing that abomination called a film. My lunch may come up and I’ll never be able to mate again-which is definite grounds for a lawsuit against the producers of this fu-

HORATIO

Oh poor Pooper, remember the FCC regulations.

Pooper begins barking in an obscene fashion, tongue hanging out and all. Horatio laughs and shakes his head.

HORATIO

You know, I can sympathize with your disdain for the film. I can say, that the direction was unusual conducted efficiently, which may have lent a hand in at least speeding up the process so we didn’t have to suffer endlessly. Thus, I applaud the director, on that hand. But to the producers, what were they thinking to allow this film to get the green light? Are the women out there actually that starved for affection that a movie like this can actually comfort them, relinquish their fantasies and-

Pooper goes through a series of dry heaves.

HORATIO

Oh, no Pooper, that is not how we rate the movies here. I for one give this film-

(He howls.)

Pretty darn lousy, I think and I’m sure the viewers will be inclined to agree. Pooper?

(Pooper makes his way to the movie screen.)

HORATIO

Uh, oh. Oh no, is it possible that Pooper feels this film falls below the zero line? Oh no, Pooper, Uh, oh!

(Pooper proceeds to lay a big pile of shit at the bottom of the screen, as Horatio cups his paws over his nose and speaks with labor, as the credits roll.)

HORATIO

Thank you for joining us for, “Pooper and Horatio do the Movies”. We’ll see you next time and you’re lucky you don’t have to smell us!

POOPER AND HORATIO #2

HORATIO

Welcome back to Pooper and Horatio do the movies. Right before the break, we promised you a glimpse of “Die smashed”.

POOPER

Now don’t misconstrue the title here. This is yet another sequel to “Live free or die hard”. The movie is not about a bunch of drunks dying, though that does happen every day.”

HORATIO

I’m sure, you’re sure Pooper. Okay, here we go. “Die Smashed”. And this time around, Sylvester Stallone has decided to join Bruce Willis in his adventures.

(Pooper barks twice.)

“Die Smashed”

Bruce Willis and Sylvester Stallone stand a top the highest building in Chicago. They are pacing around with guns, looking down toward the building.

STALLONE

They’ll never find us up here.

Suddenly, Willis spots a small jet heading straight for the building in a crash course.

WILLIS

Oh, I wouldn’t be so sure about that. We’re you expecting a ride?

STALLONE

No, not me. How bout you?

WILLIS

Hell no.

Bruce Willis takes out a huge gun and blows the bottom of the “airplane blinker”. Then Stallone punches it and it topples over. The two men then use it as a pole vault toward the next skyscraper. As they leap over, the small jet is at least twenty meters above them, flying safely above the building and on its course. The two men land onto the next tower, breathing furiously.

STALLONE

Whoo, that was close.

WILLIS

You’re telling me!

Suddenly, Governor Arnold Swarzenegger bursts out of the stairwell onto the roof, running toward the guys.

GOVERNOR SWARZENEGGER

Hurry, run! I accidentally slapped the Presidents wife’s ass!

WILLIS

Hurry where, you moron!

(Out of the sky, a huge building boulder hurls toward the building, smashing into its side like a furious punching bag. The three men and the cap of the skyscraper fly through the air, landing roughly onto the next building. Among debris, they breathe heavily, getting themselves up. Suddenly a huge boxing glove from the sky threatens down on them.)

GOVERNOR SWARZENEGGER

Oh no, this must be for you!

STALLONE

What do you mean for me?

GOVERNOR SWARZENEGGER

The top man didn’t like your last movie?

(The three men have nowhere to go but to leap off the building.)

WILLIS

What about my last movie?

GOVERNOR SWARZENEGGER

Does it even matter now?

STALLONE

What a great sequel. How the hell do we get out of this?

(The clip ends and the screen goes dark. Horatio barks twice, with slobber spitting out of his snout. Pooper trots down to the movie screen whining pathetically and proceeds to lay a big pile of shit.)

HORATIO

Oh no, no no! Perhaps these great stars of action should have died another day!

(Sarcastic laughter)

Oh the smell, the smell! What a world! What a world! Oh the humanity, oh!

(Horatio pretends to upchuck.)

Credits roll.

POOPER & HORATIO #3

HORATIO

Welcome to “Pooper and Horatio do the movies-

Pooper gets up and starts humping the air, standing on his hind legs.

POOPER: Yeah, oh yeah, we do the movies, oh yeah!

HORATIO: (laughs) Today we will be watching a clip of “See my budding muscles” reuniting Michael Cera and Ellen Paige. Michael Cera plays a geek gone mad in this coming of age film that fights desperately to win the heart of Ellen Paige’s character.

POOPER: Don’t tell me she gets knocked up in this one to!

HORATIO: Well, don’t want any spoilers, but I can say that this movie is not “Knocked up Part II” nor is it “Juno Part II”.

POOPER: Well, thank the Gods for that, because if it resembled either of those aforementioned films, I would just get it over with and hang myself this very instance.

HORATIO: A hanging dog-now that would look funny.

POOPER: Hey, that could be the basis of a new movie starring Charlize Theron. You know she likes to tousle herself up, get down and dirty.

HORATIO: My people will be in touch with yours.

POOPER: Okay, but just don’t get us knocked up. We definitely don’t need a sequel to that.

HORATIO: (laughs) Understandably, I would definitely hang myself if I had to bone or conversely-be boned by Seth Rogan.

POOPER: (shudders so violently, dog spittle flies everywhere) Okay, onto more pleasant things, here is that promised clip of “See my budding muscles”.

SEE MY BUDDING MUSCLES

EXT. TRACK AND FIELD OF HIGH SCHOOL

Ellen Paige’s character “Sarah Marston” runs throughout the track, alongside her are many people, including geeks, really fat kids, cheerleaders and jocks. They are offering encouragement to her and cheering her on. 

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY-next to school locker

MICHAEL CERA’S “John Dover” stares forlornly at Sarah who walks by with a couple of cheerleaders and even a couple punky looking people with Mohawks and weird clothing, the point being she is friends with everyone, except for John.

Four nasty and mean looking jocks pound John into his locker and he goes down, clutching his head.

JOSH: You can’t be her friend-ever!

BRANDON: Or anything else punk!

A skinny geek with horn rimmed glasses strolls up.

SHILOH: Yeah, she’s my friend, but you are just not cool enough. Even I could beat the shit out of you.

JOSH: Sarah will never go for you! She’d rather bang Shiloh-right Shiloh?

SHILOH: Yeah, we did it once last year-well, she was drunk. (Laughs)

John Dover looks like he’s going to cry and the two jocks and Shiloh beat the shit out of him.

During the next several weeks, John begins to work out like crazy. He’s jogging, doing pushups, punching the bag, lifting weights and downing raw eggs. But all of this is to no  avail, his muscles are no where near to bigger. At the high school locker, he finds one of the jocks steroids and pockets the bottle rushing home. John then takes a mega dose of it.

ONE WEEK LATER

John Dover is transformed. He is all muscled up and donning some new and very cool clothing. Nobody messes with him, as they stare in awe as he approaches the track and field where Sarah is running. John quickly catches up to her, and starts kissing her passionately. At first she fights him off, but then as he takes her to the ground and initiates public sex, she moans in ecstasy. The crowd goes wild and cheers and many kids get out their iPhone.

Pooper is already down at the front of the big screen humping the air, pretending to barf and making slobbering and farting noises.

HORATIO: Oh boy, our conclusion is set. We didn’t stand a chance. Little did we know this was going to be a spoof of “Crank: High Volume Part Three-P-Piss” Oh brother, where the hell art thee, doth the filmmaker asketh!

Horatio starts walking to the front of the theatre as if he has a difficult bowel movement coming, whining in pain. Pooper is already pretending to take a very difficult shit at the bottom of the screen, barking, whining and letting spittle fly everywhere. Horatio joins him in the defecation process, moaning and whining all the way.

THE END THE BEGINNING!