HOME ON THE EDGE Vasilika Vanya Marinkovic Photo by Binyamin Mellish
In a pretty and quaint neighborhood of medium to large homes, a real estate agent is stepping out the door of a large and old-fashioned looking home. The tremendous yard can be seen on the back side. The sales agent is in a hurry as she reaches out to shake the Cranston’s hands.
Sheena Cranston is a tall blonde, in her late thirties and in ultra fit condition. And she is the ultimate professional woman. Husband Paul Cranston is also tall, fit, dark haired and just a little older than Sheena. They are both very polished looking and their vehicles are a black shiny Mercedes and grey BMW. They also share a black hummer for road trips. The garage door, laid open, seems to be telling the neighborhood; look who’s moved in!
Samantha, the sales agent is apparently in a big hurry. She reaches out to shake the Cranston’s hands. As she steps out the door, the sheer voluminous size of the home becomes apparent. And to boot, the homes tremendous yard sported a couple of old and massive trees that can be seen from almost a mile away.
REAL ESTATE AGENT SAMANTHA
Welcome to the neighborhood. You guys are gonna love it here.
Your neighbors are great, wonderful school nearby for your little ones.
SHEENA
Really important.
The Cranston’s have two blonde kids; a boy named Josh who is eight years old and a girl of six, named Kayla. They are playing with expensive toys nearby.
REAL ESTATE AGENT SAMANTHA
Well, I am in a hurry, but I know you’ve made
a great purchase. And this home has the prized esteem
of being one of the oldest homes in Atlanta. Welcome!
PAUL
Thank you, Samantha. We appreciate everything.
With a very disturbed look on her face, the agent is trying to back away into her vehicle.
SHEENA
Now, if there are any last-minute questions-
it’s you we contact-correct?
Samantha quickly smothers a look of utter exasperation.
SAMANTHA
Uh yeah-yes-of course. And uh-if you can’t reach
me, you can leave a message for me-or ask for my
assistant Bradley.
SHEENA
Bradley? Okay, I’ll do that. Thanks for
All your help. Have a good day.
Samantha gets into her car and screeches away in no time. Sheena blinks-turns and sees that her husband is already leading the kids inside.
PAUL
Dinner time kids-wash up.
SHEENA
She was in a hurry.
Paul is frying lamb chops, as the kids wash their hands at the kitchen sink and squeal in delight.
PAUL
What honey?
SHEENA
She was in a hurry.
KAYLA
Hurry, hurry!
BRYAN
Kill that vampire-kill that vampire-Kill ‘em!
SHEENA
What are you two talking about-what the-Paul!
Paul looks up from his seasoning of the chops. The window exposing the backyard shows a young blonde woman outside chasing a pale man. She is holding a spike like she means business.
PAUL
What the blazes-
He heads out the back door with Sheena in close pursuit.
SHEENA
Be careful Paul.
PAUL
Hey!
Just as the cute blonde is about to drive a spike into the guy, the distraction has just allowed the pale fellow to make an impressive leap out of the yard. Presently, the blonde gal angrily stomps her foot into the ground and drops her spike.
SLAYER GIRL
Now look what you’ve gone and done! You let the
vampire get away! Don’t ever interfere with my work again!
In horror Sheena notices that both the kids are out and fighting over the spike and the kitchen stove top is smoking-with the lamp chops no doubt burning to a crisp. She quickly grabs the spike from them. And then points to the kitchen.
SHEENA
Shit Paul!
(UNANIMOUSLY) JOSH/KAYLA
Shit, shit!
The kids-excited about something down further in the yard.) In a hurry to rescue the pork chops, Paul backs up toward the door, all the while shaking his finger at the slayer girl.
PAUL
Young lady, don’t you be promoting
Violence around here-or else we will call the cops.
SLAYER GIRL
Don’t’ patronize me by calling me young dodo!
I do important work that most of you “adults” couldn’t
even begin to handle! See you later assholes!
And with that, she also makes an impressive jump over the fence and disappears.
(Unanimously) JOSH/KAYLA
Assholes, assholes. Shit, shit!
SHEENA
All right, you two are grounded!
Sheena screams when she sees what the kids have been referring to. But it happens so fast that she is in shock. A large furry thing-moving too quickly to believe leaps over the fence as the kids shout in glee.
A handful of neighbors’ peer over the fence –craning their necks to wherever the creature has departed.
TERRIFIED NEIGHBOR
Sasquatch!
NEIGHBOR MAN
Oh Jesus God, it’s big foot!
SHEENA
What the hell is going on here?
Suddenly the kids and neighbors gasp and groan in disgust. And to Sheena’s horror she sees a large pile of dung that the suspect creature laid. Hot steam rises from the heaping pile. Paul steps back out and to his amusement, sees that several neighbors are quickly scurrying away from their home.
NEIGHBOR MAN
Yuck! Clean up on aisle four!
PAUL
What the? Hey, I salvaged dinner. The chops are a little
burnt-little darker than they should be.
SHEENA
(Yelling at departing neighbors)
Look, if this was a stupid joke of yours-you guys are all
being sued! Don’t you dare set foot in our property again!
What a welcoming committee!
At dinner the kids are ignoring the burnt meat-favoring the mashed potatoes and even vegetables instead. Bryan reaches for the bowl of mashed potatoes going for a huge second helping, probably more than his stomach can fit.
PAUL
Look honey, I really don’t think the neighbors
are out to get us. I’m sure that was just some kind of
monkey or something-perfectly harmless.
The kids snicker at this possibility, as little Bryan builds a big tower of mashed potatoes on his plate, utilizing his sisters and parents’ helpings.
SHEENA
Don’t insult my intelligence. That was too big
to be a damn monkey! I’m calling that damn real estate
agent in the morning. Now I know why she was in such a hurry.
This place is a damn circus!
(UNANIMOUSLY) JOSH/KAYLA
Damn, damn!
PAUL
Kids, watch your tongues now.
Suddenly a group chant is heard coming from the backyard, of all things. Almost three dozen people are clustered in front of one of the trees, while many hold candles.
CLUSTER OF NEIGHBORS
Our father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespassing and we forgive those who trespass against us-
Both kids at her heels, Sheena busts out the back door into the yard, interrupting the group.
SHEENA
What the hell is going on here?
ANGRY MAN
You may not use those profanities in the site of the Virgin Mary!
(UNANIMOUS) JOSH/KAYLA
Virgin, virgin!
Several folks cross their hearts at this. A woman with dark hair shines a light onto the tree.
NEIGHBOR WOMAN
It’s the Virgin Mary. She has made an appearance right here on
this tree!
The cluster of neighbors’ gasp in awe and some kneel in front of the tree. Sheena looks as though she is about to bust a vein on her forehead.
SHEENA
You get out of here. You are on my property and that is my tree
and I am calling the police now-
OLD MAN
That is not your tree! It belongs to God. And he has ordained the
Virgin Mary for his purpose!
CROWD
Yes! Yes!
Many bow down once again. Neighborhood lights flash on.
WOKEN NEIGHBOR
You guys cut the party out! I’m calling the police on you!
This has come from an older man in his bathrobe. He clings to the fence looking even more angry than Sheena, who now incidentally drags a hose toward the “party”.
NEIGHBOR WOMAN
Don’t do it, for God’s vengeance will be upon you if you do!
SHEENA
Bring it on!
Duly, she douses the group with the furious jet stream of ice-cold water. A dozen candles go out at once and the night air fills with screams. People flee the scene and the sound of police horns blare.
The next morning, over breakfast, with the kids just having left for school, Sheena slams the phone down. Paul sets down a police report.
PAUL
Honey, you got charges put on you for assault on twenty people
including three senior citizens. We are going to have to find a
better way to negotiate with our neighbors next time-
SHEENA
Negotiate? Negotiate? This is our property-our home! There
is no negotiating! And there will be no next time! And that damn
real estate woman better return my call. That Bradley guy didn’t know anything-just sounded like a dumb kid! Oh hell, what now?
Paul looks up from his newspaper and breakfast plate. There is a tour bus that is parking itself along the narrow alley way between their backyard and cluster of homes surrounding. Paul gets up to follow Sheena out the door.
A cluster of nerdy guys, old folks and touristy looking folks help themselves into the yard. They are all carrying shovels, drills and coolers. A tall man appeared as their tour guide.
TOUR GUIDE
You see when the ship crash landed here back in the fifties, much debris was left over after the government confiscated the main parts of the vessel. That’s right folks-we are going to work up a good sweat! That way we’ll have great appetites for the barbecue! Start digging!
Without missing a beat, everyone-save for a couple little kids and a few older folk start furiously digging away into the ground. The group that aren’t digging make way for the picnic table and barbecue pit. They begin to unpack all the goodies, hot dogs, hamburgers, chicken and buns. There is also soda being set out and lots of junk food. Also, a bar is being set up with beer, wine and cocktails.
Sheena is shocked at seeing the entire yard begin to look like a bomb’s hit it. In seconds the flower bed has been completely wiped out. Simultaneously she dials 911 and yells at the group.
SHEENA
You guys have three seconds to clear out-or you’re all going
to jail-and you’re going to pay for the destruction of my yard. Paul!
In anger Sheena sees that her husband is gaily chatting it up with the tour guide-not in the least bit concerned about her or the upturned yard. Meanwhile, a 911 operator has picked up.
SHEENA-(CONTINUED)
Get your damn asses down here immediately! I have a
bunch of UFOS seeking idiots in my yard!
(She gasps)
No-I was not threatening you! You’re gonna arrest me?
(pause)
No! This is not a crank call! I did not say there are UFOs
in my yard! I said there were UFO idiots in my yard!
Damn you people! You’re sending a car for me! Oh, that’s it!
You guys go to hell! This whole neighborhood is insane!
I’m out of here Paul! I want a divorce! I’m gonna kill everyone
in this neighborhood!
(Pause)
No-I didn’t mean that!
Sheena slams the phone down and runs for the fence, but just as quickly-a couple cops pounce at her while there are crew with cameras and a boom over her. The cameras have a logo on them for the show; POPOS
A group of a dozen Mexican gang-banger types let themselves into the yard. Many are carrying large bottles of malt liquor and laughing at Sheena being arrested.
GANGBANGER LEADER
Oh! Busted lady!
Another gangbanger runs in front of one of the POPOS cameras and waves.
GANGBANGER
Hola Madre!
Paul laughs along with many at the spectacle and sniffs happily and the fragrance of sausages and hamburgers frying. The gang bangers happily mingle with the nerdy/touristy excavating crowd. Many begin to dig in themselves and start passing around their malt liquor bottles.
After Sheena is hog tied and shoved into the squad car parked behind the tour bus, the police join in the merriment, as more beer gets unpacked and whoops of party merriment start ringing in the air. Loud rap starts blasting from a stereo one of the gang members has just set up.
The group of Virgin Mary followers file into the yard to resume their congregation around the chosen tree. And by this point, everyone is too distracted to notice that Sasquatch is playing games with Sheena, terrifying her through the window of the squad car.
Meanwhile Jack the Ripper appears to accost a woman in the alley. She falls to the ground and he runs away from the scene of the crime.
At the front of the house, the school bus lets off the kids. As they dash into the house, there is suddenly an opaque and apparently murdered man/ghost that appears. Just as he begins to float toward them, the two kids go screaming out the back door. Then, with surprised faces, they see that all is quite well, as a massive party and ensuing mayhem are taking place in the backyard.
PAUL
Wipe those frowns off your faces kids! It’s a party!
The bad news is your mom is going to jail and we’re getting a divorce!”
JOSH
Ah hell yeah. Now I can build a really massive devil’s tower
in the backyard!
Suddenly the crowd screams in glee. One man lifts up a huge skull, shaped just like the stereotypical alien head into the air.
The kids stare aghast. The Virgin Mary worshippers cross their hearts as if witnessing either sacrilege or the devil himself.
VIRGIN MARY ENTHUSIAST
Diablo!
There is suddenly more shrieking of enthusiasm. A group has uncovered a treasure chest with lots of gold coins and jewels. Suddenly a band of pirates jump the fence and begin fencing for it.
The Roswell enthusiasts-instead of using swords-are using Star Wars type wands to play fight against the pirates.
The End.
Secret World Entertainment 