Drivers fred

DRIVERS FRED

CHARACTERS

Narrator / Fred the Instructor / Aaron / John / Cory / Jermaine / Harvey

NARRATOR

This is a Defensive Driving class and the teacher Fred paced back and forth in front of his classroom. He eyed his students with a sly smile.

FRED

Hello people, my name is Fred and I would like to welcome you to Defensive Driving School. The fact that you are here today means that you screwed up while driving, earned a civil traffic violation and landed your butts in my classroom. But instead of calling it Defensive Driving School, let’s call it “Driver’s Fred” Hahaha, get it? Since my name is Fred, Hahaha.

AARON

Oh my god. That is so funny. You, teacher Mr. Fred, are so freaking funny.

JOHN

Freaking Fred! Hahaha!

FRED

Laugh now dimbulbs, flunk later.

CORY

Oh, you got busted fools.

JOHN

Shut up.

AARON

Yeah, shut up.

NARRATOR

The driving instructor appeared quite irked by now.

FRED

The longer you boys sit around and be snarky, the longer you’ll be in my class. But judging by your traffic violations, you need to be in here for a long time anyway. HAHAHAHAHA!

JERMAINE

Guys, let’s stop fooling around. You heard the teacher. I don’t want to be stuck in this driving course forever because you guys are immature children. Maybe you guys don’t have a life, but I do.

AARON

Jermaine, my man, I’ve got a life. I’ve got a beautiful girl interested in me.

CORY

In your mind maybe.

NARRATOR

There was laughter around the classroom due to that jab.

AARON

No, for real fool!

JERMAINE

Can you guys be anymore immature?

FRED

Nice job in trying to round up your crew Jermaine and trying to get them to behave maturely, but you have one of the worst traffic violations on your record that got you sent here. Speeding.

NARRATOR

Oohs and ahs were exclaimed loudly by the boys, pointing fingers at Jermaine.

CORY

Oh! Burn Jermaine, burn!

JERMAINE

Man, come on! Are you supposed to be disclosing that stuff sir?

FRED

Well, of course, I’m going to be sharing the sorry tale of the traffic violations that got you all sent to me today.

NARRATOR

The boys shared a collective groan. But suddenly, a very elderly man walking with a cane hobbled into the classroom. His round back is so bad, he looks like the Hunchback of Notre dame.

HARVEY

Sorry I’m late too class. I drove really fast to get here, much too fast actually.

AARON

Oh! Oh! Teacher Fred!

JOHN

And he actually admitted to speeding to get here!

CORY

He’s as bad as Jermaine!

JERMAINE

How old are you sir?

HARVEY

How dare you ask me such an impolite question young man!

JOHN

What is your birth date?

AARON

Same thing dumb butts.

HARVEY

Your generation needs help.

CORY

Teacher Fred, the old man just admitted to speeding to get here! That’s not fair!

FRED

Well, he didn’t get caught and life isn’t fair. That’s just a fact.

CORY

Damn it!

HARVEY

Watch your tongue young man. When I was your age and uttered profanity, I would have to write sorry on the chalkboard five hundred times.

JOHN

That is harsh!

FRED

What’s harsh is the fact that you John, drove through a stop sign without STOPPING! Right. On. Through.

NARRATOR

All the boys exclaimed “Ooh!” to John. Like he’d been caught red handed. His cheeks even flushed as red as a stop sign.

AARON

Look, his cheeks are as red as a stop sign!

FRED

A-aron, right?

JERMAINE

You got that right, Instructor Mr. Fred!

FRED

So A-aron, why is it illegal to drive through a stop sign without stopping first?

HARVEY

Stand up son.

NARRATOR

Aaron did as he was told. After all, the man commanding him was about a hundred years old. He figured he might go to hell or something if he didn’t take the old man’s orders.

HARVEY

Speak up, my hearing is bad and I can’t afford a new hearing device.

CORY

Aww, that’s rough man.

AARON

Driving straight through a stop sign is illegal because it violates traffic laws designed to ensure safety and order at intersections.

HARVEY

But don’t tell it like you read it from a book son. That’s boring. We want to hear your personal account!

NARRATOR

All the boys chimed with “THE INTERNET!” “He read it off the internet!”

FRED

Harvey is right. Tell us why driving through a stop sign is “BAD”.

AARON

Because, because, because-

JOHN

(Sings from the Wizard of Oz)

Because, because, because, because, because, because! Because of the wonderful things he does!

HARVEY

I love that movie!

JERMAINE

Was it the only movie around when you were young?

CORY

Jermaine, usually you’re smart. But today, you failed.

HARVEY

Yes, there were hundreds of movies at the theater when I was young!

JERMAINE

Well, now there are countless movies.

JOHN

And other entertainment programming!

FRED

Okay Mr. Oz…..John. Mr. Stop sign ignorer. Thank you for the song! And Jermaine and John, thank you very much for enlightening us all as to the myriad of movies and streaming services available to us all.

HARVEY

I HAD NO IDEA! I HAD NO IDEA! I CAN’T POSSIBLY WATCH THEM ALL BEFORE I DIE!

JERMAINE

Okay, the shit just got dark.

NARRATOR

Suddenly, Harvey covers his ears and starts screaming and old man tears pour out of his eyes.

JERMAINE

Oh my god, I’m so sorry sir!

NARRATOR

Suddenly, the old man starts laughing at the top of his lungs and points at Jermaine.

HARVEY

I got you son! I used to be a Hollywood contract player-

CORY

A player?

FRED

That is old verbiage vernacular for people that were actors like seventy years ago! I digress people! If we keep getting off topic like this, we’ll all be in here until we’re hundred years old!

HARVEY

And I’ll just be a pile of bones!

JOHN

We can’t have that!

FRED

A-aron, please continue in layman’s terms about how running a stop sign might not be a good idea.

NARRATOR

Aaron sluggishly stands back up.

AARON

Well, the stop sign is there for a reason. And if you just run it, you have the risk of hitting another vehicle that has the right of way and no stop sign.

FRED

And A-aron, how does the right of way, apply to the stop sign?

AARON

Because vehicles and pedestrians on the road or crossing the road in through traffic have that priority or right of way over people waiting at the stop sign, assuming the street with the stop sign is not a four way stop.

CORY

Smarty pants!

FRED

That’s not bad Aaron. Well done.

AARON

Thank you. Do I get to get out of class early?

FRED

No.

NARRATOR

The boys howled in laughter and mock disappointment for Aaron.

HARVEY

What about smarty pants over there, what’d he do to get into this class?

CORY

I called A-aron smarty pants for knowing so much about stop sign protocols. My name is Cory.

JERMAINE

They want to know what traffic violation you did to get you in this class, SMARTY PANTS!

NARRATOR

Cory looked angry and all eyes were on him now.

JERMAINE

We better watch out. He’s kind of sensitive.

CORY

You guys are all dumb.

JOHN

Ah, he insults us! Back at you boy!

FRED

What did you do to land in this class?

CORY

The cop said I ran a red light, but it was yellow! It was yellow, I swear!

HARVEY

No, no, no swearing, at my age, my ears will start bleeding and that would make a big mess all over Freds room.

FRED

I think we’ve had enough excitement for one day. Can anyone in class tell Cory about yellow light protocol?

AARON

I can.

NARRATOR

All the boys howl.

JOHN

Maybe you just need to become a defensive driving instructor A-aron!

AARON

You can only drive through a yellow light if you don’t have enough time to stop safely.

HARVEY

Then you shouldn’t be driving that fast in the first place! I myself usually drive about ten miles an hour, keep it nice and safe.

JERMAINE

Um, that’s actually not safe sir. That’s a definite traffic hazard.

FRED

And so is speeding.

JERMAINE

But it was on the freeway!

FRED

Uh, that is no excuse. There are speeding restrictions in every traffic situation, whether you are on a surface street-

AARON

Everything is the surface streets here. We only got the 10 freeway. That’s it.

FRED

Speeding restrictions for every traffic situation, regular city streets, the freeway, construction zones, neighborhoods and school zones.

JOHN

Aren’t we going to get to what Mr. A-aron did to land in this Defensive Driving class?

CORY

Yeah, for serious. It’s his turn to be shamed.

FRED

Hey! Nobody is being shamed. These traffic violations are serious. In fact they are deadly serious. Driving is no joke. But, I like to put humor into my classroom to get people thinking. it helps to face the severity if your situation.

JERMAINE

The severity of our situation?

FRED

Indeed guys. Traffic violations are associated with increased accidents and accident severity. So all in all, the core of why we are all here today is no joke.

NARRATOR

All was quiet for a moment.

FRED

Take driving seriously. Remember that it is a privilege, not a right.

CORY

Now I feel kind of bad.

FRED

Well the purpose of this class isn’t to make you feel bad. It is to get you well learned in the traffic laws and applying them correctly and safely in how you drive. Remember, that you have to keep yourself and others safe.

AARON

Okay! I’m truly sorry for what I did! I’m so sorry!

HARVEY

What is this, a confessional?

AARON

I changed lanes in an intersection and almost hit an old lady driving an old Porsche! She was so scared! But she decided not to charge me for reckless driving. She was just happy to be alive.

HARVEY

You hit Gertrude! No wonder she’s got an ugly dent on that old Porsche! How much did that put you out son?

AARON

Almost $1500! It’s going to take at least a month’s wages cause I can’t only work part time with school right now.

FRED

Well, you got lucky, you know that? It could have been much worse. You could have hurt somebody or worse.

AARON

I know. I’ve apologized to her.

FRED

All right class, we will go over some more rules of the road and literature and then proceed to the test.

JERMAINE

Wait, Instructor Fred, wait!

NARRATOR

The boys were all staring at Harvey expectantly.

FRED

Wait, what?

JERMAINE

Harvey didn’t disclose what traffic violation he got to land in your class.

JOHN

Come on old man, don’t be shy! You haven’t been shy about anything else, spill the beans!

NARRATOR

With some effort, the old man stood up using his cane for support.

HARVEY

I received a noise violation for an illegally modified exhaust.

CORY

Huh?

HARVEY

I had the catalytic converter removed and the exhaust smelled to high heaven of rotten eggs! But I tried to get out of the ticket by telling him I had eaten a giant bean burrito and was having a terrible bout of gas.

NARRATOR

The boys howled in laughter and the old man sat back down.

THE END